love

for no good reason, it was hard to get out of bed this morning. but then I go through the morning routine- tea, lots of cream and sugar, a snoopje (dutch for cookie), the news, answering emails... last night a young man wrote me from Texas- I've received a few wonderfully warm and appreciative letters in response to the sof interview, and it is so sweet to hear from you, thank you! This one in particular moved me in return. ... .. . I just read it, and the words around my feeling are still forming.... it sounds like he grows food also, but mostly, creates a space in which he can share it with others, as a service, perhaps a devotion. and that is a beautiful thing in itself, but what moved me was the evidence of his struggle and that he can reach out to me, I can write him back, and we are not alone in this world. There are plenty of tangible and intangible obstacles to activating a our visions but certainly the burden of solitude must be one of the most difficult to bear.

For me, it is, anyway. Not to get all woe is me, I'm doing everything alone- I've had amazing teachers and wonderful friends, but I guess I'm just one of those restless messes out there who happen to have received a brush of loving contact just when I needed it. after two years of building and learning this kiln, with two firings that were less than sucessful (yes, this is normal for new kilns, and mine is particularly wacked-out), I often feel like I'm falling out of touch with my abilty to actually get the work out there into the world- my website is full of three-year old pots and there is no guarantee that the next firing will produce anything saleable either. what am I? just a dreamer? why am I still measuring my success on having an income? To me, this feels like trying to break into the Institution by bashing my head on the front door. no wonder it hurts. god damn it hurts! But that's what I'm saying in the interview, and what this man in Texas is writing as well, if I can just shift my thinking and valuing to a kind of faith in my value on the juju-meter, I can relax into the beautiful but laborious work that I do. it's the intangible nature of this form of sustenance that trips me up, and that's why a tangible little love note every once in a while goes a long long way. thank you, dear. that I am wind in your sails is wonderful. but without your sails, I am nothing but air moving around.