close to the bone

a pensive moment as I too encounter one of the many hurdles so many low-income people must leap. I have never hid the fact that much of my income is from family gift, untaxed, despite my work ethic. This year I am attempting again to rectify that situation as well as make the most local choices that are available to me. To this end, I just signed up with a meat share CSA, but more on that in a moment. I have also been trying to switch my money to a local credit union, advantis, where I now have a checking account that gives back two percent interest provided that I meet certain conditions. Imagine my surprise to be declined for a credit card. not just the rewards credit card that I wanted which earns miles towards air travel, but ANY credit card. I mean, I get junk mail all the time offering me credit cards because my credit rating is very high. why is it so high? because I'm always paying my existing one (a miles-earning one from wellsfargo) in full. because I'm able to constantly dip into the jar of honey, and I'm never in debt. How did I get the credit card that I have now? when I was a student and first signed on with wellsfargo in utah. maybe they just extend the card to those with a higher credit to debt ratio because its more ways to suck in the poor. But Advantis doesn't play that way, apparently. They want people who can prove (via tax returns) that they have little debt load. and even though I have no debt, it doesn't show up that way.

very interesting to me. for one thing, I know damn well that even if my family is operating well within legal parameters, there are ripple effects to the action. The situation is not comparable to the true injustices of tax loopholes, insider trading, predatory lending, etc. But its fascinating to me to observe it from the opposite shore. At this point, based on my own merits, I am not able to get a credit card from a reputable bank with safe lending practices. I'm not able to start the process of building my paper worth. I couldn't get a loan for the same reason- I guess I need to start thinking of a credit card as a loan as they do, instead of a tool. By using the tool as I have been, I am offered flashy things and free crap all the time, the spoils that go to those who have enough money to make more money, ill-gotten or fair.

and so a junction point, the same one I have encountered before, which means that at least one road is circular and I must be sick of this ride: do I continue to dip into the jar of honey, dropping 700 dollars all at once on a six month share of grass-fed protein BECAUSE I CAN, never mind that the comparison value of the meat is very reasonable, never mind that I will share it, never mind all that- if I were on my own "paper merit", I couldn't put up that kind of cash all at once, I would have to scrimp and save for it, and given the state of things, I'd probably never get there. Which means one less customer for a family farm.

no, as I have stated, with years of prep work completed, this year (and likely, many into the future) is a great experiment: four firings and four shows, building inventory, applying for the best, not wasting time on side-projects, going for the money. this year I'm all about earning money off my work in the studio. I want to see what I can do. get off the circular road of someone else's money and the subtle ties that bind. those are not the ropes that I love- those are the ones I abhor.

what's sick to me is the yardstick by which I am measuring myself: my paper merit. my taxable self. my degree of involvement in the machinations of the state. I appreciate the law and order, I do not appreciate the warmongering. why cant we pay taxes allocated to what we care about?, other than the obvious database nightmare. ...

well, I received that news just an hour ago. However, months ago, I was sleepless one night and researched CSA farms, landing on Sweet Home Farms, the kind of place that just makes me ache with love for people who persist in swimming against the stream of appalling ranching practices- its not even ranching, is it, when they raise sows in cages in warehouses - what is that? if we are what we eat, what am I if I eat that meat? a poisoned slave. I'd rather starve. If that's the meat I can afford with my artist's wages, let me go vegetarian. let me go back along my circular path of parental money. I purchased a share from Sweet Home Farms, and immediately filled the studio with the smell of the simmering stew bones that they throw in for free in winter. my poor bike panniers! fourty pounds of meat and root veggies - beautiful...