may, and musing on this "job" while tending the garden

I've hit an odd sensation:  wondering if the pure sensory pleasure of porcelain and liminal obliteration of fire are really the reasons that I continue to make pots.  This year I have a goal of financial self- sustainability.  The same goal I have had for years, and will for years to come, no doubt.  This year I have my studio time with little distraction, which is new in comparison to recent years, and I find myself strangely daunted.  But why?  certainly it isn't a creative block- I have never been at a loss for what to make.  I muse on the topic as I do a spring cleaning and fixing fest, or start the next round of lettuces in the garden.  Why do I feel like actually, I'm procrastinating?  Procrastinating, doing the one thing that I most love?  I mean, sure, its a great feeling to now have a waterproof patio workbench and not be spending money on greens at the grocery store, but there's something else in the back of my mind...

I sold out of small items at both the nceca show and the ceramic showcase, a local potters association show.  Obviously I'm underselling my "product" (as my dad would say), since the income was a measley $1000 from each event.  ok, well, I'll have to step it up over the years coming, analyzing the pieces that sell and increasing their price by 15%.  It doesn't appeal to my "pots for the people" preferences for wide accessibility of all people for my work.  But who am I kidding.

Look at this example: I am initiating a slip-cast version of my mug, which always sells.  my cups do too, of course, but there's tremendous variety to them, not so much with the mugs.  I had a meeting with the homegoods buyer from New Seasons market, my grocery store chain whose mission is to support local growers and the community.  The community goes there to buy wholesome foods (or frosted flakes) usually produced organically, priced close to what gives the grower a living wage.  The clientelle is aware that their hard-earned money is going back into supporting the community in which they live, etc, its a lovely cycle.  New Seasons also sells candles and dishes and cards and hats, also usually made by local peeps.  They are the fastest-growing chain in portland, and the people who shop there are definitely my target market.  But they are, we are, so accustomed to the fruits of chinese labor that the homegoods buyer suspected that even though the whole story of my design manufactured by a local slip-casting operation was a great pr story, the price point that would provide all parties a living wage was probably beyond what the customer would likely pay.  She committed to buying a hundred from me.  I need to sell 700 to break even on the investment.  Even slip-cast pots for the people are too expensive compared to what we are accustomed to paying.  If everyone gets a living wage, a slip-cast mug would cost about $30, and I only designed the thing.  That's what I ask for a mug now.  The prices for my hand-made, wood-fired ones are therefore, what,  1/50th of what they should be for me to be actually paid for my time?

Call me crazy, but that's why I don't want to rush to the weekly market to pick up my csa eggs, and ride my bike instead of buzzing over there quickly on the motorcycle.  no-one is ever really going to pay me for my time.  For the first time in my life, I'm in that question zone where the hassle of meeting a deadline (in this case a potentially relatively lucrative art fair in Bellvue, Washington) is turning the joy of touching porcelain into a job.  and its a job where still nobody is really paying me.  It's turning into a job that increases my stress and wears down my body but doesn't meet my goal of "independance".  It makes me question what it means to be independant, why I value that so much, which makes me think of where my financial lifeline lies and all the ties that bind there...  which strengthens my resolve to cut them but, well, I'm 35 now and ensconced in this "job" that will never pay in the culture in which we live today... Linda Christianson warned me that I would never make a lot of money, but it is possible to make just enough, if you live simply.  Silvie said something similar.  Both of them had partners who helped somewhere along the way, for greater or lesser duration.  I have my parents.  We are never "independant".  and those ladies were getting established at a time when the craft movement was strong.  diy might be making a comeback in portland but its not trickling down yet.

But what I do know is that if I don't water the seedlings, they will die.  and then I need to buy lettuce at new seasons.  So I go do that.  It feels more immediate, less "artistic".  Its not like I lack for friends all supporting each other in their passions for the absolute necessity of the arts.  But even friends seem distant when I listen to the news or wake alone, thinking again about those paintings called three little birds that I'd love to have above my bed, and how cheap they are, but how I might never buy them because even though they are as cheap as my cheap rent, that's still 400 dollars and I blew my wad at the artstream at nceca.

close to the bone

a pensive moment as I too encounter one of the many hurdles so many low-income people must leap. I have never hid the fact that much of my income is from family gift, untaxed, despite my work ethic. This year I am attempting again to rectify that situation as well as make the most local choices that are available to me. To this end, I just signed up with a meat share CSA, but more on that in a moment. I have also been trying to switch my money to a local credit union, advantis, where I now have a checking account that gives back two percent interest provided that I meet certain conditions. Imagine my surprise to be declined for a credit card. not just the rewards credit card that I wanted which earns miles towards air travel, but ANY credit card. I mean, I get junk mail all the time offering me credit cards because my credit rating is very high. why is it so high? because I'm always paying my existing one (a miles-earning one from wellsfargo) in full. because I'm able to constantly dip into the jar of honey, and I'm never in debt. How did I get the credit card that I have now? when I was a student and first signed on with wellsfargo in utah. maybe they just extend the card to those with a higher credit to debt ratio because its more ways to suck in the poor. But Advantis doesn't play that way, apparently. They want people who can prove (via tax returns) that they have little debt load. and even though I have no debt, it doesn't show up that way.

very interesting to me. for one thing, I know damn well that even if my family is operating well within legal parameters, there are ripple effects to the action. The situation is not comparable to the true injustices of tax loopholes, insider trading, predatory lending, etc. But its fascinating to me to observe it from the opposite shore. At this point, based on my own merits, I am not able to get a credit card from a reputable bank with safe lending practices. I'm not able to start the process of building my paper worth. I couldn't get a loan for the same reason- I guess I need to start thinking of a credit card as a loan as they do, instead of a tool. By using the tool as I have been, I am offered flashy things and free crap all the time, the spoils that go to those who have enough money to make more money, ill-gotten or fair.

and so a junction point, the same one I have encountered before, which means that at least one road is circular and I must be sick of this ride: do I continue to dip into the jar of honey, dropping 700 dollars all at once on a six month share of grass-fed protein BECAUSE I CAN, never mind that the comparison value of the meat is very reasonable, never mind that I will share it, never mind all that- if I were on my own "paper merit", I couldn't put up that kind of cash all at once, I would have to scrimp and save for it, and given the state of things, I'd probably never get there. Which means one less customer for a family farm.

no, as I have stated, with years of prep work completed, this year (and likely, many into the future) is a great experiment: four firings and four shows, building inventory, applying for the best, not wasting time on side-projects, going for the money. this year I'm all about earning money off my work in the studio. I want to see what I can do. get off the circular road of someone else's money and the subtle ties that bind. those are not the ropes that I love- those are the ones I abhor.

what's sick to me is the yardstick by which I am measuring myself: my paper merit. my taxable self. my degree of involvement in the machinations of the state. I appreciate the law and order, I do not appreciate the warmongering. why cant we pay taxes allocated to what we care about?, other than the obvious database nightmare. ...

well, I received that news just an hour ago. However, months ago, I was sleepless one night and researched CSA farms, landing on Sweet Home Farms, the kind of place that just makes me ache with love for people who persist in swimming against the stream of appalling ranching practices- its not even ranching, is it, when they raise sows in cages in warehouses - what is that? if we are what we eat, what am I if I eat that meat? a poisoned slave. I'd rather starve. If that's the meat I can afford with my artist's wages, let me go vegetarian. let me go back along my circular path of parental money. I purchased a share from Sweet Home Farms, and immediately filled the studio with the smell of the simmering stew bones that they throw in for free in winter. my poor bike panniers! fourty pounds of meat and root veggies - beautiful...